Love & Astrology, Part 4: Not Enough Love, or Not Enough People?

Many times I hear people tell me they want to find that one special person to meet all their emotional needs. They are looking for their “one and only” soul mate. They are seeking someone to fill all the empty spaces in them. Or the “person who will complete me.”

Who on earth would volunteer for that job? Talk about pressure! For that matter, talk about the odds of finding that person! At last count, in 2008, World Book claimed there were 6,692,030,277 people in earth. 1 out of 6,692,030,277? Play the lottery instead. Better odds.

In an essay written by the late Kurt Vonnegut, he said, “Most divorces are really just someone saying, ‘You’re not enough people for me.'” And his point: we put too much pressure on our partners. No one person can fulfill all your needs. And this idea was put forth by the same man who coined the term “nation of two” to describe a close, loving romantic couple who created their own universe to share. I have nothing against creating a “nation of two,” but for the sake of any romantic relationship, I hope you have ambassadors and diplomats to other countries.

My partner and I are intimate with the details and emotions of each other’s lives. I know what she does and she knows what I do, but we have separate interests, too, and I realize there are areas where I simply will not understand her or her needs. I try to respect and empathize with her, but can’t always. We need other people, too. Friends, relatives, peers and colleagues fill the gaps. Astrologically, some of our planets and signs connect, some don’t. Let’s be realistic. Even in stripped-down, basic astrology, there are 10 planets, 12 signs, 12 houses and a good handful of aspects and they all change from chart to chart. Do the math. The odds of finding a “perfect” match are pretty slim.

And one of the interesting things about the astrological system: out of 12 houses, three of them focus primarily on how we relate to other people. The 7th house is one-to-one relationships & partnerships, and is often referred to as the house of marriage, but the 11th house concerns friends, peer groups & group goals, and the 3rd house is interested in neighbors, siblings and communications. Add in the 6th house goals of “service to others,” the 8th house concerns about sexuality (hopefully that implies relating to another person, too), & the universal empathy suggested by the 12th house, and you can see how important interpersonal relationships are. There are many ways of connecting to others. The symbolism of astrology suggests it is worth at least 50% of your attention in your life. Come to think of it, three other houses involving home & career & children also involve other people too. So up it to 75%.

So maybe we ought to put a little less pressure on our one-to-one partners? Love them, accept them for who they are and what you can share with them, and sincerely try to bridge the gaps, but give them some breathing room and take some for yourself.

It’s a big world out there. I think we can have lots & lots of “soul mates.” Open your heart.


  1. Yes, I agree with the other commenters, this is a really good post.

    I think that people go into marriage or relationships expecting one person to be able to fulfill all their needs, not realising how unrealistic that is, it puts a lot of pressure on them both. This simple understanding would save so much stress and heartache.

    I am really glad I found your blog and I have added you to my blogroll so I don’t miss your fUture posts. 🙂

  2. Excellent piece! Thanks for this.
    I think of a “soul mate” as someone who came into your life at the appropriate time to do some kind of soul work with/for you. It could be a life partner, but it’s not necessarily “the one” with whom you are to spend your life.

  3. Who needs MatchMakers with this information they will be out of business. Tony, I really enjoy this every Tuesday. Thanks,

  4. I really feel you’ve hit the nail on the head here! Anyone in any relationship would benefit from reading this, and taking it to heart. It should be required reading !

  5. You are such a good writer! I agree with you, but…sometimes too many other “friends” is not such a good thing (if you know what I mean). I guess it’s all what personality type a person is and what a person needs. Hence the saying “KNOW THYSELF”. That way one can hook up with someone somewhat appropriate. ha.

    1. Too many friends? Yeah, that can be overwhelming…


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