Love & Astrology, Part 5: Look At Yourself First

I want a sensitive partner.

I want someone who will settle me down.

I want someone to take care of me.

I want someone to take care of.

I want someone who completes me.

I want someone who can stand on his or her own two feet.

I want someone who understands me.

I want a strong partner.

We all seem to know what we want in a relationship. We know what attracts us, excites us, draws our attention and is personally appealing. That’s a good start. But do you know why you want those things? What is it you are bringing to the table? What are you offering, and is it free and clear of the past?

We all carry emotional baggage we need to work through, but so often many of us project it out onto the world and on to other people, instead of looking inside ourselves. It seems easier to complain about someone or something else than face ourselves.

Maybe your birth chart indicates you like a strong, willful partner who challenges you. Ok. But what if you also had a parent who did that to you too, but in an abusive and belittling way, and you sometimes treat your partner as if they were your parent? Maybe instead of thoroughly enjoying the challenge they present to you, you respond with anger half the time because you’re still reacting to the current situation with your old childhood patterns? Maybe by examining that, you can start interacting with your partner as an adult and not as a frustrated child angry with Mommy or Daddy. It’s healthier for you, and more honest and fair to your partner, to get angry at something they actually did, instead of over unsettled, unexamined feelings you’re carrying around inside. You will still enjoy being challenged by your partner, but the hidden subconscious agenda will be gone.

I was recently talking to someone who was describing the person they loved, and they claimed that person “completed” them. As romantic as that may sound to some, it always makes me wince. It is a wonderful thing to have someone in your life who loves you, and who you love, too. It can be one of the great pleasures in life. But I never want to think of myself as “incomplete.” And I think this too falls under the idea of “What are bringing to the table?” If someone “completes” you, it seems to me that the love becomes a little distracted and maybe a little desperate. Symbolically speaking, how can you give someone a good hug if you’re using them to hold yourself up? Shouldn’t two people, together in love, add up to more than the sum of their parts? And if you’re using someone to complete you, what will you do if tragedy strikes and you are alone again? Wouldn’t it be a richer and more fulfilling gift to both of you to enter a relationship as complete people? When I look as someone’s astrology chart, I see a complete person there. They may have some issues to work out, lessons to teach themselves, but there is a complete person.

Do yourself and the other person a favor, and don’t look for someone to “complete” you… don’t look for someone to “fill in the blanks” in your life. Bring a whole, evolving, growing person to any relationship you form. The goal is to find an equal, or comparable partner to yourself. Sometimes, one plus one can add up to much more than two.


  1. well Liz, that is interesting but it almost sounds like you there would be a lot of broken people hanging out together.

    There is a big difference between needing people around you to feel like you are okay and already being a complete person who has gifts to share with others.

    No One can really complete us. That is why many great sages have spoken about fulfillment and enlightenment.

    We need to be whole and complete on our own and then we can share our gifts with others.


    1. Liz Hill says:

      Hi Ivonne
      For some reason I did not get email of followup to comments, so didn’t see your post when you posted it. Kind of old news now but… I feel a need to clarify. I agree that each of us should aim to be as whole and complete as we can be on our own. But I don’t agree that it’s ever totally possible. I think we are a bunch of broken people – not necessarily “bad broken” but definitely “incomplete” without each other. You know the one about the butterfly flapping its wings affecting something across the globe? With people and our interconnectedness, it’s even moreso. We are neighbors and we affect one another in many, many ways. I believe the key to our future is understanding that.
      But hey- that’s just my own wings flapping! Cheers– Liz

  2. Liz Hill says:

    Nice post. I’d hate to think of having only one person complete me. I look at it this way: it takes lots of people to complete me. And they aren’t complete without me either. That’s the way the little bits of universe come together in this world isn’t it?

  3. Anthony,

    I am in aggreement with you on the whole, “you complete me”.

    While it may sound romantic in real life it just creates dysfunction.

    I believe true happiness occurs when you have two who complete beings that want to share a life.

    And yes, along with what you want out of a relationship you also need to recognize what you bring to the table as well.




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